Lightning Fill In The Blank

Oct 27, 2018
Originally published on December 3, 2018 12:44 pm
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill In The Blank. For this special 20th anniversary edition, we have all of our panelists here on stage together, combining all their weaknesses into three powerful teams.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We've selected team captains. Congratulations to the panelists with the most ever losses in the history of this show. That would be Brian Babylon...

BRIAN BABYLON: Dang.

SAGAL: ...Maz Jobrani and Paula Poundstone.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

MAZ JOBRANI: Thank you.

SAGAL: All right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: First up, Brian, it's your team. What is your team name, Brian?

BABYLON: We are The Illuminati.

SAGAL: All right, here we go. Fill in the blank. Brian, on Thursday, the Pentagon announced it was sending 800 agents to the border in response to the blank.

BABYLON: The horde of immigrants that was walking to our nation like zombies.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Roxanne, on Monday, a Russian man was charged with conspiring to interfere with blank.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: The elections.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Mo, after being released from a prison in Kansas, a man celebrated his freedom by blanking in the parking lot.

MO ROCCA: Wait, after - sorry - I'm sorry. After a man was released from the parking lot in Kansas, he celebrated his freedom.

SAGAL: He was released from a prison.

ROCCA: He was released from a prison.

SAGAL: He was released from a prison, and then he went to the parking lot. The rest of you can leave. Mo and I will work this out.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So, wait, hold on. No, a man was released from prison - of course, he celebrated.

SAGAL: But what did he do to celebrate in the parking lot?

ROCCA: He committed a crime and got arrested.

SAGAL: He did. He stole a car.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Negin.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Negin...

NEGIN FARSAD: Yes.

SAGAL: ...On Wednesday, the blank - Negin, on Wednesday, the blank closed 608 points down, erasing the gains made in 2018.

FARSAD: The Dow Jones.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes. Tom Bodett, this week, a woman rushing to get to a meeting at a mall in China was delayed when she blanked.

TOM BODETT: I knew I was going to get this question. I knew it - when she - when this guy got out of prison...

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: ...And he stole her car.

SAGAL: No, she didn't make the meeting on time because she fell into the mall's shark tank at feeding time.

BODETT: What?

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE: Ooh.

SAGAL: Now, a lot of you are probably asking, why the hell is there an open shark tank in the middle of a shopping mall? And really, your first question should be is that woman OK, you monsters.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I'm glad I didn't know the answer.

SAGAL: She is fine. She is fine. She swam around with the sharks, which were like, oh, my God, they deliver. But they didn't act on it.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: This was in China?

SAGAL: This was in China.

JOBRANI: Maybe that's their version of the show "Shark Tank."

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She fell in. There's a bunch of sharks, Mark Cuban - who knew? Bill, how did Brian's team, The Illuminati, do on our show?

BILL KURTIS: Well, they got four right for eight more points. And that puts them in the lead.

JOBRANI: Wow.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: We need it.

JOBRANI: Wow.

SAGAL: All right. Next up is Maz Jobrani's team. What's your team name?

JOBRANI: Our team is Mount Perf (ph), otherwise known in French as Mont Perf.

SAGAL: Mont Perf.

JOBRANI: Mont Perf.

SAGAL: All right, Mont Perf, here we go. Fill in the blank. Maz, this week, President Recep Erdogan called on Saudi Arabia to let Turkey adjudicate the death of journalist blank.

JOBRANI: The - Khashoggi.

SAGAL: Yes, Khashoggi.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Faith, on Sunday, thousands took to the streets in London to demand a new vote on blank.

FAITH SALIE: Brexit.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Peter, this week, a GOP congressman in Illinois regretfully declined an invite to meet President Trump, saying blank.

PETER GROSZ: OK, sorry - there was a fish who rode a bicycle in a storm. Is that - no...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, he said he'd already agreed to march in the Sycamore Pumpkin Fest Parade.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Roy, following a surprise third-quarter profit, shares in electric car company blank jumped by almost 10 percent.

ROY BLOUNT JR.: I don't want to just say one word. I mean, I've been waiting...

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: I've been waiting back there. I've been waiting here - Tesla.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Tara, a waitress at a family restaurant ended her very first day on the job surrounded by police after she accidentally blanked.

TARA CLANCY, BYLINE: Fainted.

SAGAL: No, she accidentally pressed the 911 emergency call button 348 times.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We're all nervous. On your first day at work, you do nervous things. Maybe you click a pen or you reorganize the papers. And then she saw this small button near the register, so she just started pressing it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She kept pressing it throughout the day, never realizing every time she did it, she was calling the police. They ended up surrounding the restaurant with guns drawn. In any event, residents of her town are happy to know that if they need the police, they only need to call 911 348 times...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And they'll be right there.

CLANCY: And they will finally show up.

SAGAL: How did Maz's team, Mont Perf, do on our show?

KURTIS: Three points - six more - that means they trail Brian's team.

SAGAL: All right. And our last team...

POUNDSTONE: All right, we got this Danforth Dancers.

SAGAL: All right, so this is Paula Poundstone leading the Danforth Dancers. Bill, how many does Paula's team need to win?

KURTIS: Four to tie; five to win.

SAGAL: All right. Four to tie; five to win.

POUNDSTONE: Hahoo (ph).

SAGAL: Here we go. Fill in the blank. Paula, on Monday, it was reported that the Trump administration was considering narrowing the legal definition of blank.

POUNDSTONE: Marriage?

SAGAL: No, in this case, gender. Amy, on Wednesday, a federal judge ordered election officials in blank to stop rejecting absentee ballots with mismatched signatures.

AMY DICKINSON: Oh, the great state of Georgia.

SAGAL: In fact, you're right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

ADAM BURKE: Adam Burke, a town in Florida has become the first U.S. city to use a fully autonomous school bus. They celebrated another milestone this week when they became the first U.S. city to blank.

BURKE: Have fully autonomous schoolchildren.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No. They're the first town to have the federal government tell them to stop using the fully autonomous school bus.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's crazy. Luke Burbank, this week, Colorado broke $1 billion in legal blank sales, generating $200 million in tax revenue.

LUKE BURBANK: Is there a shark tank involved?

KURTIS: (Laughter).

KURTIS: No, marijuana, Luke.

(CHEERING)

BURBANK: Oh, that was my second guess.

SAGAL: I'm sure. And Adam Felber, the wedding of Taylor and Kern Lehman was announced in the New York Post this week along with the headline blank.

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

ADAM FELBER: "Couple Falls Into Shark Tank."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No - "I Married My Best Friend’s Dad And Now I’m Her Stepmom."

FELBER: Whew.

SAGAL: Yeah, despite a 25-year age difference and the awkwardness of asking your best friend to call you mom, Taylor says the two make a great couple, noting they like the same music and are both old souls. Mr. Kern is also physically old.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, did Paula's team do well enough to win?

KURTIS: No.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: They did get one right.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: One right (laughter).

KURTIS: It's Brian - Brian.

SAGAL: Brian's team, congratulations.

BABYLON: Pow, pow, pow, pow (ph). Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.