BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm legendary anchorman Bill Kurtis.
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KURTIS: And here's your host at the Bass Concert Hall at the University of Texas at Austin, Peter Sagal.
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you everybody. Thank you Bill. Oh, behave. So excited to be back in Austin, the part of Texas that is, of course, the least like Texas. They're excited - as you can hear, everybody here - yes...
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SAGAL: Everybody here in Austin is excited to have us too because now that we are here, the Ebola virus is no longer the worst thing that's been allowed into Texas this year. We'll be talking to Dale Watson, one of the great musicians who does everything he can to keep Austin weird.
But first, it's your turn. Give us a call, the number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contest. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.
DIANA SANFILIPPO: Hi, this is Diane from Buffalo, New York.
SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Buffalo?
SANFILIPPO: Buffalo's great.
SAGAL: Yeah, I've never - I've been all around the country, I've never been to Buffalo. No, this is true.
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SAGAL: It's one of the few cities I haven't been to. So what am I missing by missing Buffalo?
SANFILIPPO: Oh, lots of things. We have great restaurants, we have a nice waterfront. People are very friendly. It's up-and-coming.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: It's the Paris of Western New York.
SAGAL: Is it really?
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, I'm from Syracuse so I used to go to Buffalo for culture.
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SANFILIPPO: Well, I dare you to come here and have a bad time, Bob.
GOLDTHWAIT: All right you crazy little minx.
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GOLDTHWAIT: It's on.
SAGAL: Now Diane, let's introduce you to our panel. First up, a comedian performing this weekend at the Funny Bone in Omaha, Nebraska, and November 20 to 22 at The Laughing Derby in Louisville, Kentucky, Mr. Bobcat Goldthwait.
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SAGAL: Next, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning," it is Miss Faith Salie.
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FAITH SALIE: Hi, Diane.
SANFILIPPO: Hi, Faith.
SAGAL: And a humorist and storyteller who's hosting The Moth Mainstage annual members event at The Great Hall at Cooper Union in New York City on November 12, it's Tom Bodett.
TOM BODETT: Hello, Diane.
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SANFILIPPO: Hey, Tom.
SAGAL: So you're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to create for you - or rather re-create for you - three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on whatever device you would like to store it on. You ready to play?
SANFILIPPO: I think I am.
SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.
KURTIS: This is a real ass whoopin'.
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SAGAL: That was West Virginia Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin talking about the results of what? Don't tell her.
SANFILIPPO: The election?
SAGAL: Yes, the midterm election.
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SAGAL: The last time a bunch of liberals got beaten this badly, they were being clubbed by the Chicago police. The Republican victory parties on Tuesday night were incredible. People were going nuts. Normally the only place you see old white people celebrate like that is on "Antiques Roadshow."
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SAGAL: Republicans won just about every race they ran in the country. They took the Senate. They expanded control of the House. They are now going to take over all independent coffee shops, which will be transformed into combination Hooters and gun stores.
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SAGAL: I think especially in Texas, efficient business model.
GOLDTHWAIT: Sure. And it also - you know, there's a lot of flap over concealed weapons, so that would probably be addressed.
SAGAL: Yeah.
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SALIE: You know, the pundits are saying that this election kind of demonstrated that the so-called war on women doesn't gin up Democratic voters anymore. And I think these midterms were an embrace of women because all the headlines kind of celebrated - well, up here they celebrated a lady's moon time. There was a lot of talk about the big red wave...
SAGAL: That's true.
SALIE: ...All over the country, you know.
SAGAL: Now, Mitch McConnell, Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, he, of course, will be the majority leader in the new Republican Senate. The pundits say that even though he has little charisma, McConnell is brilliant behind-the-scenes. So now his maneuverings have got control of the Senate - the most hated institution in America. For his next trick, he's becoming Emperor of Syphilis.
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GOLDTHWAIT: Is that a real title?
SAGAL: Yeah.
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SAGAL: Here is your next quote.
KURTIS: It doesn't make me mopey. It energizes me.
SAGAL: That was the leader of the losing team lying about his feelings about the election results on Tuesday. Who was that?
SANFILIPPO: President Obama.
SAGAL: Yes indeed, President Obama.
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SAGAL: Republicans won this massive electoral victory pretty much on the platform of hating President Obama. Postelection articles had quotes from Democratic staffers and politicians. They also now hate President Obama. Well, he said in his famous convention speech ten years ago that he wanted to unite America. This is probably not what he had in mind.
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SALIE: I think we can admire the president's, you know, commitment to rolling up his sleeves and getting to work these next two years. He said he's willing to have a bourbon with Sen. McConnell and he'll go golfing with John Boehner.
SAGAL: Technically he said he'll let John Boehner win at golf.
SALIE: Oh, did he?
SAGAL: He did - little dig there.
SALIE: OK. Well, I think he should indulge in the lame-duck spa package and get a couple's massage with Pat Roberts, maybe a mani-pedi with John Cornyn.
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SAGAL: That'd be awesome. It wasn't all bad for Democrats. One piece of good news - this is true - a state Senate candidate in Washington State won a hard-fought re-election campaign. Unfortunately - this is also true - this state Senate candidate died last week. That may be the solution for the Democrats dilemma - run dead guys. Hey, it's worked for Harry Reid.
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SALIE: You know, John Boehner gave some warnings to Obama recently. He said, you know, he said if he acts unilaterally, he said he's going to burn himself. And I think the president should listen to Boehner 'cause he knows about that, you know. He doesn't burn, he tans.
SAGAL: He does, that's true. All right, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: If it falls off, it doesn't matter.
SAGAL: That was some of the excellent car advice given by someone who passed away this week, who was it?
SANFILIPPO: Oh, beloved Tom Magliozzi - is that how you say his last name?
SAGAL: Yeah, you even pronounced it correctly.
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SAGAL: Tom Magliozzi. We would have accepted of "Car Talk," of course.
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SAGAL: We would've accepted Click or Clack. They didn't know which one was which either.
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SAGAL: This is personal for us here at WAIT WAIT because with his brother Ray, Tom Magliozzi proved that public radio doesn't have to be serious or smart or dignified or really worthwhile in any way. So what we're saying, and quite seriously is that without Tom, WAIT WAIT would not be on your radio right now. But he did good things too.
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BODETT: You know, he's memorialized in so many ways. And one of his best lines I've never been able to get out of my head - there was a caller who said when he takes his car down the driveway and goes to the east, it makes this terrible clunk, clunk, clunking sound. But if he goes down the driveway and he turns west, it doesn't. What do I do? And Tom said, go West, young man, go West.
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SAGAL: And then he laughed and laughed.
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SAGAL: Bill how did Diane do?
KURTIS: Perfect out of Buffalo.
SANFILIPPO: All right.
SAGAL: There you are.
KURTIS: Just like the falls.
SAGAL: Well done. You've won Carl Kasell's voice and I hope you use it well.
SANFILIPPO: Thank you.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.