Limericks

Jul 21, 2018
Originally published on July 21, 2018 10:46 am
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website wait.wait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly shows at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows in Milwaukee on August 30 and the only West Coast stop on our 20th anniversary tour at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles on September 27.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JENNIFER WATKINS: Hi, there. This is Jennifer in Lexington, Ky.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Lexington?

WATKINS: It's a beautiful day. It's pretty nice today.

SAGAL: I know. Lexington is great. It's horse country, bourbon country. What do you do there?

WATKINS: I'm a nurse.

SAGAL: Oh, you are a nurse - taking care of the people who have drunk riding accidents, I guess.

WATKINS: (Laughter) Some people in our hospitals certainly take care of those folks - not me. I do organ transplants.

SAGAL: Organ transplants - wow, that's delicate work.

ALONZO BODDEN: I'm a kidney donor.

SAGAL: That's true.

WATKINS: Oh, really?

SAGAL: Alonzo has...

BODDEN: Yeah, I'm a kidney donor.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: So thank you.

WATKINS: That's awesome.

BODDEN: Thank you for carrying the kidney over to my brother.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So welcome to the show, Jennifer. Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each - your job, of course, to complete them. Do that twice. You win our prize. You ready to go?

WATKINS: All right.

SAGAL: Here we go. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Once precious stones wiped out a guy's fund. Now there's plenty, so brides will not cry stunned. I think outside the box, way beyond precious rocks, because the Earth is just filthy with...

WATKINS: Diamonds.

SAGAL: Diamonds, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good, Jennifer. Last week on our show, as you may have heard, we talked about how wives of ugly men naturally expect larger diamonds from them. This week, we learned that the really ugly men are in luck because scientists have discovered a quadrillion tons of diamonds in the Earth's crust. So when you look into her eyes and tell her, you know, she's as rare as a diamond, you're telling the truth. Your girlfriend is kind of dull.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But the only catch is these diamonds have been discovered 150 miles below the Earth's surface by a team of scientists using sound waves - which means they yelled, are there any diamonds down there? And after a few minutes, a voice came back, yes.

BODDEN: How do you get them?

SAGAL: That's the problem. But when we - we don't know because they're way down there. And we have to get down there to get them. But apparently when we do, diamonds will be everywhere. There'll be a nuisance. We'll be using it for cat filler. People will be like, damn it, Mr. Snuffles tracked diamonds all over the house again. Jennifer, here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: Like the paleos, we like to boast. We eat berries and nuts and a roast. But that's just a mistake because they knew how to bake. Turns out paleo humans ate...

WATKINS: Toast.

SAGAL: Toast, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Good news, those of you who are suffering through a paleo diet, you get to eat bread. Archaeologists were studying an oven from 14,000 years ago. And they found the charred remains of some old toast, which proves not only did our pre-modern ancestors eat bread. They did a terrible job cleaning up the kitchen.

BODDEN: I think it was an archaeologist whose wife had him on a paleo diet.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: And he said, guess what I found at work today.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Crocs have one major appeal. Their point is how comfy they feel. I don't want them to pinch or to lift me an inch. So why would they add a high...

WATKINS: Heel.

SAGAL: Yes, a high heel.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Crocs have come out with a new high-heeled version of their classic shoe - perfect for any woman who really wants to be harassed by Mario Batali.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's called the Cyprus V Heel. The V stands for, Vicky, what the hell are you wearing? And the Internet was quick to mock the design, made from the brand's classic foam. It's a minimal sling-back heel made of chunky, you know, Croc foam - a shoe that effortlessly transitions from a long day of gardening in the rain straight to the dance floor.

(LAUGHTER)

HELEN HONG: Maybe it's like when you want to look professional at work, but you also need birth control.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The shoes are amazingly popular. They sold out online immediately. People who tried to buy them on Amazon just got a picture of a dog saying, man, that's an ugly shoe.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jennifer do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She fought through it, got three right.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

WATKINS: Hey, great.

SAGAL: Jennifer, thank you so much for playing. We really appreciate you being here.

WATKINS: Thanks a lot.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "IN THESE SHOES?")

KIRSTY MACCOLL: (Singing) I once met a man with a sense of adventure. He was dressed to thrill wherever he went. He said, let's make love on a mountain top under the stars on a big hard rock. I said, in these shoes? I don't think so. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.